New LJ [29 Nov 2005|05:14pm] [ mood | creative ] New LiveJournal: yzarctnewilam . Friends only; ask and you shall recieve. Unless I decide otherwise; of course. 1 comment|post comment

But I can't save you. [17 Nov 2005|08:03pm] [ mood | determined ] Taproot 'Calling' Your face is burned inside my brain I lost my way Your taste of stale flows through my veins The cost of hate ‘Cause you’ll never understand me You want me to stay You’re c-c-c-calling but I can’t hear you I’m not listening anymore You’re subject to falling but I can’t save you I don’t see you anymore The race of slowing down the pain, I found a way The pace of speaking so mundane, the sound of gain But you’ll never make me happy So I’ve extinguished the flame You’re c-c-c-calling, but I cant hear you I’m not listening anymore You’re subject to falling, but I can’t save you I don’t see you anymore And what you want me to say I’ll never say You’re playing the game that I’ll never play So what do you want from me? Now I’ve extinguished the flame Your c-c-c-calling but I can’t hear you I’m not listening anymore You’re subject to falling but I can’t save you I don’t see you anymore You’re c-c-c-calling but I can’t hear you, I’m not listening anymore You’re f-f-f-falling, but I can’t save you I don’t see you anymore. This is the song I've been listening to. Constantly. It's currently on my MySpace profile. This is pretty much how I feel about Henry right now. Sad but true. 1 comment|post comment

Meep [13 Nov 2005|12:32pm] [ mood | depressed ] --- 1 comment|post comment

4 [03 Nov 2005|07:56pm] [ mood | hopeful ] FOUR FRIENDS YOU COULD TRUST WITH YOUR LIFE: 1. Henry 2. Amanda 3. Robin 4. Nick FOUR TV SHOWS YOU WATCH THE MOST: 1. Fullhouse 2. Jimmy Neutron 3. Cosby Show 4. CSI FOUR PEOPLE YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE LAST: 1. Amanda 2. Henry 3. JayBrown 4. Mom FOUR MOVIES YOU COULD WATCH OVER AND OVER: 1. The Craft 2. Queen Of The Damned 3. Sixteen Candles 4. Metilda FOUR THINGS YOU WANNA DO IN LIFE: 1. Tour with my friends Steve and Seb's band around Germany as their Merch Girl. 2. Go to Africa. 3. Fall in love and be loved by the same person at the same time. And be happy about it. 4. Have a happy life with a happy family. FOUR FAMILY MEMBERS OTHER THAN THE ONES IN YOUR HOUSE THAT YOU'RE CLOSE TO: 1. My step sister Merit 2. My nephews. 3. My cousin Hana. 4. My great uncle phil. FOUR PLACES YOU'VE BEEN ON VACATION TO: 1. Disney World 2. Disney Land 3. Universal Studios Florida 4. Seattle FOUR WEBSITES YOU VISIT DAILY: 1. Myspace 2. Hotmail 3. Shadowbox 4. VampireFreaks FOUR OF YOUR ALLTIME FAVORITE RESTAURANTS: 1. Taco Bell 2. The mall's pizza place 3. Tealuxe 4. That japanese place in Oakhurst... FOUR COSTUMES YOU'VE WORN ON HALLOWEEN: 1. Spider 2. Peter Pan 3. Barbie 4. Devil post comment

We're All So Sick Of Waiting [02 Nov 2005|08:36pm] [ mood | cynical ] Dumped Josh. Went to the best concert of my life with Henry. Met Henry for fucks sake he rocks. And then I went to bed and dreamed of things that made me happy tommorow. I feel weird. Goggles be bogones. -Straw post comment

Fried [22 Oct 2005|06:05pm] [ mood | disappointed ] Probably not going out with Josh tommorow, he text messaged me saying he probably wont go. But, I'm just..tired. Tired of him again, already. Tired of having a boyfriend near by. A real boyfriend. But feeling lonely. Feeling distant. Tired of canceled dates. Things he'd rather be doing then being with me. I want attention, god damnit. I don't want to have to be the one calling all the time. I don't want to be the one planning all the dates. I just want a real boyfriend. That actually gives a shit. -Straw post comment

No Denying That [18 Oct 2005|10:12am] [ mood | artistic ] Look into the eyes of an insane girl with no disguises Except the mask that Will not expose it self quite yet I hid behind a rotting brick wall Right ontop of a sandy shore The trees behind it drooped with sticky tear drops O-oh No one really felt bad for the little girl that had no good thoughts In her little blonde head She was a violent child no denying that But everyone lied Oh she's so cute when she threatens to end her own life Because she's only five No one noticed when she was being drowned by her father And this is not a figure of speach She should've died, she was on her way up there But he let go..so now she's a teenager Lost and distraught with all her violence Her violent thoughts Going drifting drfiting drifting in her head O-oh No one really feels bad for the little girl that has no good thoughts In her little blonde head She is a violent child no denying that But everyone is lying Everyone will tell you that she's just fine yes she's just fine She's just sixteen; ignore her threats She's only a little one yet Well listen to me She's serious now she's serious now She swears she's going to do something that you wont appreciate Right now And you'll regret ever saying that she's bluffing When she takes a knife and cuts the threads The threads of her father and his family She's going to break away from this disease O-oh No one really feels bad for the little girl that has only good thoughts In her little blonde head She is a peaceful child no denying that. I felt like writing a song so there you go. -Straw post comment

Here she goes, screwing up everything again [16 Oct 2005|11:30am] [ mood | suicidal ] I'm sorry Henry. I fucked up, again. I wasn't thinking. Well I was thinking, selfish and lonely thoughts. I'm such a whore. I hurt someone I love just so I could get fake love from someone closer. I shouldn't have told him..I hurt him so bad and this probably wont last very long anyway. This hurts.. This sucks. -Straw 2 comments|post comment

There was a six legged frog named Henry [11 Oct 2005|02:52pm] [ mood | content ] The Sonnet Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf) Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed? Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance. Your exact opposite: Genghis Khunt Random Brutal Sex Master Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so. You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls. ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth CONSIDER: The Loverboy Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: Misstraw You gotta love me. 1 comment|post comment

I'd rather be a bitch then be an ordinary broken heart. [10 Oct 2005|02:48pm] [ mood | silly ] Another incredibly boring day in the life of Mali. Downloading random NPR news clips. Watching Fairly Odd Parents. Listening to The Dresden Dolls. Daydreaming about the concert that is in nineteen days. I can't wait to meet Henry. To hug him. To dance randomly with him. Yay! I still haven't figured out my new camcorder. Well, I haven't figured out how to get it onto my computer. I have it all plugged in, it's just not working. Rawr. I need to do something with my time, write a song, sing a song, record a song. Something. Make a movie. Draw. I drew a bunch yesterday. I did a portrait of Amanda Palmer that turned into a portrait of Meg White of the White Stripes. Wooops. So I went with it. I filled in the eyebrows. And then tada. Sandy's Song is such an amazingly chilling song. It freaks me out. It's about a woman that killed herself at Amanda's house when she was little. It's freaky. Well, I suppose that's it. -Straw- post comment

Blake says no one ever really loved him; they just faked it to get money from the government. [09 Oct 2005|11:10am] [ mood | impressed ] Basicly, I'm just going to paste my journal entry from vampirefreaks.com. TADA. My big ear phones have malfunctioned. I can only hear out of one. How am I supposed to use these things for recording music eh? Oh well. Yes, I'm going to be recording music. I have a mixer, a mic, a mic adapter, an ear phone adapter, a bass guitar..and my papa(father) says he'll be getting me an Ibanez Guitar for christmas. I'll have to learn Guitar, which sucks because I don't really like guitars. I love my bass, but guitars annoye me. But I want to make good music, so I have to do it on my own since no one near enough wants to play 'band' with me. 'Blake makes friends but only for a minute, he prefers the things he orders from the internet..and Blakes been having trouble with his head again. He takes his pills, but never takes his medicine.' Halloween is coming up. I'm thinking of dragging someone, anyone, to a haunted house. Maybe when Henry visits! Ahh that'd be fun. I've never been to a haunted house, outside of a few, but I always chickened out. And I probably will again. I hate antcipating fear. I hate being afraid. I fear that feeling. It makes you feel small and gulible, especially afterwards. I hate that. Grawr. 'Blake says it looks like acid rain today. He takes the fish inside; he's very kind that way.' If you can tell, I'm really obsessed with this song. Why? Because it's Amanda Palmer for fucks sake. She's brilliant! These lyrics are so ironic, so terrible, so hilarious to me! Ahh I love her. If I could, I'd put this song on the backround music, but I have yet to find it online. I downloaded this from someone. Muahaha. I haven't talked to Beth or Steve for what seems like centuries. Tears. I miss you both. My two lovers! Haha. It's nice having friends I can call lovers without being pummeled to the ground. Well bye bye now. -Mali post comment

You don't me (I don't either) [06 Oct 2005|12:10pm] [ mood | bored ] Well Alec is watching Ice Age right now eating Bears (bear shaped cookies). So, I'm cruising the internet on mother's laptop in the kitchen. I feel a bit better then I have been feeling. Okay A LOT better. My nose is still stuffed up but it's been draining, and the headaches are gone. My left eye is all red and swollen though; because the other day I sneezed so hard it broke blood vessels in my eye. So it's all blurry. o_o Ahh broke up with RJ night before last. Fun fun. Just wasn't working out between us, the distance and the rarity of speaking to one another, I was getting frustrated and lonely. Henry visits later on this month! Exciting, really. It sucks he can't stay for halloween but oh well. Mom said she MIGHT drive me to Boston to go to the dresden dolls concert. Might, maybe. I really highly doubt it, but we'll see what happens. I'm going to a good concert anyhow, with a good friend. And Colin might go too which would be awesome. Humm. Been talking to Steve a lot. Yes I still have a crush on him. But he's 24, gimme a break. Alright I'll be a going. -straw- 1 comment|post comment

Not Okay [03 Oct 2005|11:45am] [ mood | sick ] I feel like crap. I'm sweating. One nostril is poring snot, that has blood in it. I think I'm going to puke. Ahhhhhhhhh. Just sucks. I miss Henry. I miss RJ. I miss Steve. I miss my mommy. I missssssssssssssssssssssssssss my sanity. Happy Birthday To Henry tommorow, he'll no longer be a teenager, he'll be a twentyager. Hahaha. Bye then. -straw- post comment

Pain Pain Pain [02 Oct 2005|12:45pm] [ mood | sick ] The day before yesterday I woke up feeling weird and numb, feeling nearly deaf in my right ear. My friend Beth though I had overdosed -because those syptoms are what she felt when she overdosed..except I am sure it was worse for her, and I had told her I had taken an anti-depressent which I had-. But my mother told me it was my sinuses. So I took some vitemins around noon that day. That night I felt miserable and I was curled into a little shivering hot ball. My sister was concerned and I requested a thermameter-which I can't spell. My tempature was 100.4. A low fever, but a fever plain to see. So I took some stuff for the fever, felt too crappy to take vitemins (since they make me want to vomit anyhow). I had trouble sleeping, I kept waking up constantly. Then yesterday I spent all day curled into a ball with a little lower tempature, shivering a little less, and with the whole right side of my head aching. We figured I have a sinus infection. Again. AHhg. So today I am suffering still. I woke up with a brown tongue. I've been kind of queasy all day. And after I read an ex-boyfriends journal I really did nearly puke. Guilt has it's ways of getting at you. It wasn't yours, Henry, though I will go look at yours soon. Speaking of Henry; I haven't talked to him in forever. I hope he's alright and his mother hasn't strangled him or anything. Steve broke his hand during his band practise on thursday. He was trying to do one of those 80s whirl of the arm things and bashed his hand into the ceiling fan. For some reason that was hilarious to me. But I feel bad for him and hope his hand heals, and hope he got to play the gig yesterday. I'll have to ask Seb. Beth is having trouble with her girlfriend, and I hope she works it out. I love Beth a lot, in a friend way of course. She means a lot to me, and I hope she dosn't try to kill herself again or cut or anything. She got into a car accident recently and her dad is trying to make her drive again. o_o He's a bitch. Off to read Henry's journal. -straw- post comment

Everything is anything and everything still loses it all [27 Sep 2005|01:54pm] [ mood | chipper ] I've been having crushes on guys. Steve and Ben. Steve is this guy I met on VF who looks like a norse god..hehe. Long blonde hair. Strong but slim body. And I suspect he likes me. Ben is a guy in a band I think is cute, and has barely noticed my existent on the shadowbox board. Yeah. Sad. Pathetic. Still with RJ. I think I'm just missing him so much I'm trying to fill the hole by liking other guys. Badddd mali bad. Anyhow. Had a pretty good day so far, we went to the grocery store. Carrying Alec kinda threw my shoulder out. :( I have a headache I ate a good lunch. I'm listening to Star Trek from the living room. Mom is sleeping with Alec. The world is a vampire. =straw- post comment

You don't look at me anyway [24 Sep 2005|03:32am] [ mood | exhausted ] I'm tired. Sleep, says the public eye peering down on my life, sleep. I say I SHALL REBEL. Mwahahchoke. Seth Green shall be my smex slave. The Hives were on MADTV muah. RJ is sweeeeeeeet but he's sick :( Beth is sad I wish I could help her :'( I'm afraid she's gunna..ahck I can't even think about it. * sleeps * I've been UBER depressed. It's really pathetic. Pokes. Forks. Blessings for RJs poor throat. -straw- post comment

[22 Sep 2005|02:50pm] [ mood | nostalgic ] You scored as A Romantic. You're a romantic through and through. You may not ever have very many partners, but it's ok. You know that it's about the person who you're having it with, and that the sex is more of a fun biproduct - a very fun biprodict. You know how to make your partner happy, and that's what it's all about. </td> A Romantic 80% Sex God 78% A Slave To BDSM 78% Virgin 45% How are you in bed created with QuizFarm.com Note: I'm a virgin. o_o Saw the white stripes the other night. Bad seats. Short show. Few songs I know..and I own all five albums. Made me sad :( And Kevin kept on trying to touch me the whole time. -_- You're my friend but dude DONT TOUCH ME PRIVATES. RJ and I are a lot closer then I thought we'd get. I'm slowly coming out of this deep dark depression Rian put me in. My friend Beth and her girlfriend who are steadily falling apart started dating the same day Rian and I did. Wowza. Of course Rian dumped me. -sigh- I know I know, get over it mali. You've had two realationships since Rian..but god..I was so..in love with him. I worshipped every step he took. I let him cry on my shoulder. I listened to all his problems. I fucking lost my throat virginity for his pleasure. He's the first guy I let touch me in a erotic manner. He was the first online boyfriend I actually have met. I thought he cared about me as much as I cared, perhaps obsessed, about him. What does he do? He dumped me. BUT that wasn't the bad part. Oh no. A week later, he tells me in a VF journal that he never wants to talk to me again! WE HAD SAID WE'D BE FRIENDS! I DIDN'T TELL HIM HE HURT ME. I DIDN'T TELL HIM I WAS DEPRESSED. I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO WORRY ABOUT ME DAMNIT. I didn't want him to suffer like I was suffering. And then suddenly, he pushes me out of his life for good. I didn't talk to him. I didn't say a thing about it. I just fell deeper down a black hole. I cried three nights straight. No matter what I did I couldn't fill the hole. I used Josh. I used Kevin. I don't believe I'm using RJ, though. He makes me feel whole. I think I intended on some level to use him. But I didn't, all in all. And I fear, I used Henry too. I love ya Henry, you're my bestest friend, you too joel. You're my friends, I love you guys so much. You pulled me through when I was pondering things I didn't mention and I dare not mention now. You didn't know it, but you did. It's hard to not fear this monster called love, but once it bites your head off a couple of times, it dosn't seem as scary. post comment

Red Rain [19 Sep 2005|11:33am] [ mood | excited ]       White Stripes tonight. AHhhhahHhhhhah.   RJs my new boyfriend. I feeel like a whore.. :-/   BOOYA. post comment

[16 Sep 2005|03:03pm] [ mood | crazy ] You Are 50% Weird Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it! How Weird Are You? White Stripes three days away! *dances* My costume is in progress for the dresden dolls show! I got my ticket in the mail yesterday! AHH! SO HAPPY! -Straw- post comment

I think I smell a rat [14 Sep 2005|04:28pm] [ mood | creative ] Amazing thing: Josh and I broke up. Aren't you amazed? /sarcasm Ayyyeee. Boys suck booster seats. Henry and Kevin and my boy buddies. I HEART YOU! YOU ARE THE ONLY TWO MALES I DON'T DESPISE. Okay there is the cutie grocery store guy and all my friends that are male Joel, Bert, David, etc..but I was trying to sound serious. Got to babysit love and crazy homicidal tendacies -Straw- post comment

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