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New LJ [29 Nov 2005|05:14pm]
[ mood | creative ]

New LiveJournal: yzarctnewilam .

Friends only; ask and you shall recieve. Unless I decide otherwise; of course.

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But I can't save you. [17 Nov 2005|08:03pm]
[ mood | determined ]


Your face is burned inside my brain
I lost my way
Your taste of stale flows through my veins
The cost of hate
‘Cause you’ll never understand me
You want me to stay

You’re c-c-c-calling but I can’t hear you
I’m not listening anymore
You’re subject to falling but I can’t save you
I don’t see you anymore

The race of slowing down the pain, I found a way
The pace of speaking so mundane, the sound of gain
But you’ll never make me happy
So I’ve extinguished the flame

You’re c-c-c-calling, but I cant hear you
I’m not listening anymore
You’re subject to falling, but I can’t save you
I don’t see you anymore

And what you want me to say I’ll never say
You’re playing the game that I’ll never play
So what do you want from me?
Now I’ve extinguished the flame

Your c-c-c-calling but I can’t hear you
I’m not listening anymore
You’re subject to falling but I can’t save you
I don’t see you anymore
You’re c-c-c-calling but I can’t hear you, I’m not listening anymore
You’re f-f-f-falling, but I can’t save you
I don’t see you anymore.

This is the song I've been listening to. Constantly. It's currently on my MySpace profile.
This is pretty much how I feel about Henry right now.
Sad but true.

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Meep [13 Nov 2005|12:32pm]
[ mood | depressed ]


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4 [03 Nov 2005|07:56pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

1. Henry
2. Amanda
3. Robin
4. Nick

1. Fullhouse
2. Jimmy Neutron
3. Cosby Show
4. CSI

1. Amanda
2. Henry
3. JayBrown
4. Mom

1. The Craft
2. Queen Of The Damned
3. Sixteen Candles
4. Metilda

1. Tour with my friends Steve and Seb's band around Germany as their Merch Girl.
2. Go to Africa.
3. Fall in love and be loved by the same person at the same time. And be happy about it.
4. Have a happy life with a happy family.

1. My step sister Merit
2. My nephews.
3. My cousin Hana.
4. My great uncle phil.

1. Disney World
2. Disney Land
3. Universal Studios Florida
4. Seattle

1. Myspace
2. Hotmail
3. Shadowbox
4. VampireFreaks

1. Taco Bell
2. The mall's pizza place
3. Tealuxe
4. That japanese place in Oakhurst...

1. Spider
2. Peter Pan
3. Barbie
4. Devil

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We're All So Sick Of Waiting [02 Nov 2005|08:36pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

Dumped Josh.
Went to the best concert of my life with Henry.
Met Henry for fucks sake he rocks.
And then I went to bed and dreamed of things that made me happy tommorow.

I feel weird.

Goggles be bogones.


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Fried [22 Oct 2005|06:05pm]
[ mood | disappointed ]

Probably not going out with Josh tommorow, he text messaged me saying he probably wont go.
But, I'm just..tired.
Tired of him again, already.
Tired of having a boyfriend near by. A real boyfriend. But feeling lonely. Feeling distant.
Tired of canceled dates.
Things he'd rather be doing then being with me.
I want attention, god damnit.
I don't want to have to be the one calling all the time.
I don't want to be the one planning all the dates.
I just want a real boyfriend. That actually gives a shit.


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No Denying That [18 Oct 2005|10:12am]
[ mood | artistic ]

Look into the eyes of an insane girl with no disguises
Except the mask that
Will not expose it self quite yet
I hid behind a rotting brick wall
Right ontop of a sandy shore
The trees behind it drooped with sticky tear drops
No one really felt bad for the little girl that had no good thoughts
In her little blonde head
She was a violent child no denying that
But everyone lied
Oh she's so cute when she threatens to end her own life
Because she's only five
No one noticed when she was being drowned by her father
And this is not a figure of speach
She should've died, she was on her way up there
But he let now she's a teenager
Lost and distraught with all her violence
Her violent thoughts
Going drifting drfiting drifting in her head
No one really feels bad for the little girl that has no good thoughts
In her little blonde head
She is a violent child no denying that
But everyone is lying
Everyone will tell you that she's just fine yes she's just fine
She's just sixteen; ignore her threats
She's only a little one yet
Well listen to me
She's serious now she's serious now
She swears she's going to do something that you wont appreciate
Right now
And you'll regret ever saying that she's bluffing
When she takes a knife and cuts the threads
The threads of her father and his family
She's going to break away from this disease
No one really feels bad for the little girl that has only good thoughts
In her little blonde head
She is a peaceful child no denying that.

I felt like writing a song so there you go.


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Here she goes, screwing up everything again [16 Oct 2005|11:30am]
[ mood | suicidal ]

I'm sorry Henry.

I fucked up, again. I wasn't thinking. Well I was thinking, selfish and lonely thoughts.
I'm such a whore.

I hurt someone I love just so I could get fake love from someone closer.

I shouldn't have told him..I hurt him so bad and this probably wont last very long anyway.

This hurts..

This sucks.


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There was a six legged frog named Henry [11 Oct 2005|02:52pm]
[ mood | content ]

The Sonnet
Deliberate Gentle Love Dreamer (DGLDf)

Romantic, hopeful, and composed. You are the Sonnet. Get it? Composed?

Sonnets want Love and have high ideals about it. They're conscientious people, caring & careful. You yourself have deep convictions, and you devote a lot of thought to romance and what it should be. This will frighten away most potential mates, but that's okay, because you're very choosy with your affections anyway. You'd absolutely refuse to date someone dumber than you, for instance.

Your exact opposite:
Genghis Khunt

Random Brutal Sex Master
Lovers who share your idealized perspective, or who are at least willing to totally throw themselves into a relationship, will be very, very happy with you. And you with them. You're already selfless and compassionate, and with the right partner, there's no doubt you can be sensual, even adventurously so.

You probably have lots of female friends, and they have a special soft spot for you. Babies do, too, at the tippy-top of their baby skulls.

ALWAYS AVOID: The 5-Night Stand, The False Messiah, The Hornivore, The Last Man on Earth

CONSIDER: The Loverboy

Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.
My profile name: Misstraw

You gotta love me.

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I'd rather be a bitch then be an ordinary broken heart. [10 Oct 2005|02:48pm]
[ mood | silly ]

Another incredibly boring day in the life of Mali.
Downloading random NPR news clips.
Watching Fairly Odd Parents.
Listening to The Dresden Dolls.
Daydreaming about the concert that is in nineteen days.
I can't wait to meet Henry. To hug him. To dance randomly with him.
I still haven't figured out my new camcorder. Well, I haven't figured out how to get it onto my computer.
I have it all plugged in, it's just not working.

I need to do something with my time, write a song, sing a song, record a song.
Make a movie.
I drew a bunch yesterday. I did a portrait of Amanda Palmer that turned into a portrait of Meg White of the White Stripes. Wooops.
So I went with it. I filled in the eyebrows. And then tada.

Sandy's Song is such an amazingly chilling song. It freaks me out. It's about a woman that killed herself at Amanda's house when she was little. It's freaky.

Well, I suppose that's it.


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Blake says no one ever really loved him; they just faked it to get money from the government. [09 Oct 2005|11:10am]
[ mood | impressed ]

Basicly, I'm just going to paste my journal entry from TADA.

My big ear phones have malfunctioned. I can only hear out of one. How am I supposed to use these things for recording music eh? Oh well. Yes, I'm going to be recording music. I have a mixer, a mic, a mic adapter, an ear phone adapter, a bass guitar..and my papa(father) says he'll be getting me an Ibanez Guitar for christmas. I'll have to learn Guitar, which sucks because I don't really like guitars. I love my bass, but guitars annoye me. But I want to make good music, so I have to do it on my own since no one near enough wants to play 'band' with me.

'Blake makes friends but only for a minute, he prefers the things he orders from the internet..and Blakes been having trouble with his head again. He takes his pills, but never takes his medicine.'

Halloween is coming up. I'm thinking of dragging someone, anyone, to a haunted house. Maybe when Henry visits! Ahh that'd be fun. I've never been to a haunted house, outside of a few, but I always chickened out. And I probably will again. I hate antcipating fear. I hate being afraid. I fear that feeling. It makes you feel small and gulible, especially afterwards. I hate that. Grawr.

'Blake says it looks like acid rain today. He takes the fish inside; he's very kind that way.'

If you can tell, I'm really obsessed with this song. Why? Because it's Amanda Palmer for fucks sake. She's brilliant! These lyrics are so ironic, so terrible, so hilarious to me! Ahh I love her. If I could, I'd put this song on the backround music, but I have yet to find it online. I downloaded this from someone. Muahaha.

I haven't talked to Beth or Steve for what seems like centuries. Tears. I miss you both. My two lovers! Haha. It's nice having friends I can call lovers without being pummeled to the ground. Well bye bye now.


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You don't me (I don't either) [06 Oct 2005|12:10pm]
[ mood | bored ]

Well Alec is watching Ice Age right now eating Bears (bear shaped cookies).
So, I'm cruising the internet on mother's laptop in the kitchen.

I feel a bit better then I have been feeling. Okay A LOT better. My nose is still stuffed up but it's been draining, and the headaches are gone. My left eye is all red and swollen though; because the other day I sneezed so hard it broke blood vessels in my eye.
So it's all blurry. o_o

Ahh broke up with RJ night before last. Fun fun. Just wasn't working out between us, the distance and the rarity of speaking to one another, I was getting frustrated and lonely.

Henry visits later on this month! Exciting, really. It sucks he can't stay for halloween but oh well.
Mom said she MIGHT drive me to Boston to go to the dresden dolls concert. Might, maybe. I really highly doubt it, but we'll see what happens.
I'm going to a good concert anyhow, with a good friend. And Colin might go too which would be awesome.

Humm. Been talking to Steve a lot. Yes I still have a crush on him. But he's 24, gimme a break.

Alright I'll be a going.


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Not Okay [03 Oct 2005|11:45am]
[ mood | sick ]

I feel like crap.
I'm sweating.
One nostril is poring snot, that has blood in it.
I think I'm going to puke.

Just sucks.

I miss Henry.
I miss RJ.
I miss Steve.
I miss my mommy.
I missssssssssssssssssssssssssss my sanity.

Happy Birthday To Henry tommorow, he'll no longer be a teenager, he'll be a twentyager.

Bye then.


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Pain Pain Pain [02 Oct 2005|12:45pm]
[ mood | sick ]

The day before yesterday I woke up feeling weird and numb, feeling nearly deaf in my right ear.
My friend Beth though I had overdosed -because those syptoms are what she felt when she overdosed..except I am sure it was worse for her, and I had told her I had taken an anti-depressent which I had-.
But my mother told me it was my sinuses. So I took some vitemins around noon that day.
That night I felt miserable and I was curled into a little shivering hot ball. My sister was concerned and I requested a thermameter-which I can't spell. My tempature was 100.4. A low fever, but a fever plain to see. So I took some stuff for the fever, felt too crappy to take vitemins (since they make me want to vomit anyhow).
I had trouble sleeping, I kept waking up constantly.
Then yesterday I spent all day curled into a ball with a little lower tempature, shivering a little less, and with the whole right side of my head aching.
We figured I have a sinus infection. Again. AHhg.
So today I am suffering still. I woke up with a brown tongue. I've been kind of queasy all day. And after I read an ex-boyfriends journal I really did nearly puke.
Guilt has it's ways of getting at you.

It wasn't yours, Henry, though I will go look at yours soon.
Speaking of Henry; I haven't talked to him in forever.
I hope he's alright and his mother hasn't strangled him or anything.

Steve broke his hand during his band practise on thursday. He was trying to do one of those 80s whirl of the arm things and bashed his hand into the ceiling fan. For some reason that was hilarious to me.
But I feel bad for him and hope his hand heals, and hope he got to play the gig yesterday. I'll have to ask Seb.

Beth is having trouble with her girlfriend, and I hope she works it out. I love Beth a lot, in a friend way of course. She means a lot to me, and I hope she dosn't try to kill herself again or cut or anything. She got into a car accident recently and her dad is trying to make her drive again. o_o He's a bitch.

Off to read Henry's journal.


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Everything is anything and everything still loses it all [27 Sep 2005|01:54pm]
[ mood | chipper ]

I've been having crushes on guys.
Steve and Ben.
Steve is this guy I met on VF who looks like a norse god..hehe. Long blonde hair. Strong but slim body. And I suspect he likes me.
Ben is a guy in a band I think is cute, and has barely noticed my existent on the shadowbox board.
Still with RJ.
I think I'm just missing him so much I'm trying to fill the hole by liking other guys. Badddd mali bad.

Had a pretty good day so far, we went to the grocery store. Carrying Alec kinda threw my shoulder out. :(

I have a headache
I ate a good lunch.
I'm listening to Star Trek from the living room.
Mom is sleeping with Alec.
The world is a vampire.

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You don't look at me anyway [24 Sep 2005|03:32am]
[ mood | exhausted ]

I'm tired.

Sleep, says the public eye peering down on my life, sleep.
I say I SHALL REBEL. Mwahahchoke.

Seth Green shall be my smex slave.

The Hives were on MADTV muah.

RJ is sweeeeeeeet but he's sick :(

Beth is sad I wish I could help her :'( I'm afraid she's gunna..ahck I can't even think about it.

* sleeps *

I've been UBER depressed.
It's really pathetic.


Blessings for RJs poor throat.


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[22 Sep 2005|02:50pm]
[ mood | nostalgic ]

You scored as A Romantic. You're a romantic through and through. You may not ever have very many partners, but it's ok. You know that it's about the person who you're having it with, and that the sex is more of a fun biproduct - a very fun biprodict. You know how to make your partner happy, and that's what it's all about.


A Romantic


Sex God


A Slave To BDSM




How are you in bed
created with

Note: I'm a virgin. o_o

Saw the white stripes the other night.
Bad seats.
Short show.
Few songs I know..and I own all five albums.
Made me sad :(
And Kevin kept on trying to touch me the whole time. -_- You're my friend but dude DONT TOUCH ME PRIVATES.
RJ and I are a lot closer then I thought we'd get.
I'm slowly coming out of this deep dark depression Rian put me in.
My friend Beth and her girlfriend who are steadily falling apart started dating the same day Rian and I did.
Of course Rian dumped me.
I know I know, get over it mali. You've had two realationships since Rian..but god..I was love with him. I worshipped every step he took. I let him cry on my shoulder. I listened to all his problems. I fucking lost my throat virginity for his pleasure. He's the first guy I let touch me in a erotic manner. He was the first online boyfriend I actually have met. I thought he cared about me as much as I cared, perhaps obsessed, about him.
What does he do?
He dumped me.
BUT that wasn't the bad part.
Oh no.
A week later, he tells me in a VF journal that he never wants to talk to me again!
I didn't want him to suffer like I was suffering.
And then suddenly, he pushes me out of his life for good.
I didn't talk to him.
I didn't say a thing about it.
I just fell deeper down a black hole.
I cried three nights straight.
No matter what I did I couldn't fill the hole.
I used Josh.
I used Kevin.
I don't believe I'm using RJ, though.
He makes me feel whole.
I think I intended on some level to use him.
But I didn't, all in all.

And I fear, I used Henry too. I love ya Henry, you're my bestest friend, you too joel. You're my friends, I love you guys so much.
You pulled me through when I was pondering things I didn't mention and I dare not mention now.
You didn't know it, but you did.

It's hard to not fear this monster called love, but once it bites your head off a couple of times, it dosn't seem as scary.

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Red Rain [19 Sep 2005|11:33am]
[ mood | excited ]




White Stripes tonight.



RJs my new boyfriend.

I feeel like a whore..




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[16 Sep 2005|03:03pm]
[ mood | crazy ]

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!

White Stripes three days away!
My costume is in progress for the dresden dolls show! I got my ticket in the mail yesterday!
SO HAPPY! -Straw-
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I think I smell a rat [14 Sep 2005|04:28pm]
[ mood | creative ]

Amazing thing: Josh and I broke up.
Aren't you amazed?


Ayyyeee. Boys suck booster seats. Henry and Kevin and my boy buddies. I HEART YOU! YOU ARE THE ONLY TWO MALES I DON'T DESPISE. Okay there is the cutie grocery store guy and all my friends that are male Joel, Bert, David, etc..but I was trying to sound serious.

Got to babysit love and crazy homicidal tendacies -Straw-

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